Thursday, March 22, 2012

Poodle? Nah.

I don’t particularly care for poodles, not because they are bad but because they are, well, poodles and to own one makes me seem like somewhat of a candy ass. I look on CL and someone is getting rid of poodle puppies. They include a picture of one of the parents to let you know what the pups will look like when grown and it looks like this:





What the shit? No Erin, it’s not cute. It looks like some monkey-dog hybrid that was raised near a nuclear reactor. Yeah, that’s it, I’m going to buy a dog that I know is going to grow up to look like a growth stunted Chewbacca. For God sake at least brush this lint trap before you post a picture of it for the world to see.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

My Aveo Rental

I have rented a Chevy Aveo, or similar, from Avis for the Fairbanks trip.

In summary, I’m going to die in something that looks like this:











...or similar.


I just want rescue and recovery teams to know what to look for.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

It would be appreciated if...

It would be appreciated if the last person in the building turns off the hall lights.


It would also be appreciated if:

The person who uses the last binder clip or pen puts more in the tray;

And if the person who jams the copier fixes it or uses the last bit of paper in the copier replaces it instead of moving to another copier;

And if the person who uses the last roll of toilet paper puts more in the bathroom instead of complaining to those who have plenty of it in theirs…because we’re not 12 years old;

And if the person who asks others to do the same thing over and over learns how to do it themselves;

And if the person who “can’t see in the dark” stops driving in it;

And if the person who keeps talking will stop when the person engaged in this conversational hostage situation has walked off;

And if the person who slings coffee grounds all over the kitchen and then walks in them would not do it anymore;

And if the person who runs out of coffee in the pot would stop talking to those who don’t care that it happened;

And if those who clip their nails at work would stop because someone is going to lose an eye;

And if those who leave food in the refrigerator far past the date of intended consumption would learn what the rest of us already know…that is doesn’t just disappear;

I could go on….

Friday, November 04, 2011

Whipped Cream and Amber's Husband Joe

One day I decided to go out to the coffee shack in our parking lot to get a frozen coffee drink...which makes all KINDS of sense when it is 4 degrees outside and gale force windy. Amber's husband, Joe, was also getting a drink so I sat in his car with him.

I was invited. Don't think I just barrelled on in.

The girl making my drink and asked if I wanted some whipped cream in my sugar-free, fat-free drink and I replied that I would like some but "just a little bit".

She hands me the drink by way of Joe and wouldn't you just know that the "just a little bit" of whipped cream that I agreed to had filled all the air space in the dome lid and was pouring out onto the outside of the cup. I had to get the stuff off of there before I got it on my clothes and in the car and there was only one way to do it...

lick it off...

...in front of Joe...

...in the front seat of their family sedan.

I told him to look away and he gave me a rash of shit about it. I even put up hand blinders so he couldn't see me. Later Amber comes up and gives me a rash of shit in equal measure. This post was borne of this incident. It started off as an e-mail to Erin and Amber.

Hey Amber: Sorry about the soft-core porn in front of your husband. Sigh.
__________________________________________________________________

In my head I looked like this:





In reality I probably looked like this:





And this:





And then I was a black guy:

An Email Between Erin, Amber and I

This guy came into my work to fix our heater...his name was Brian and he was hot...and I once again got to display what an idiot I can truly be. All I have to do is open my mouth.
__________________________________________________________

Okay Amber, Erin already knows this but you have to know too.

The heat went out today and they sent this guy *Brian* to fix it. Well, Brian was very, very good looking unlike the window licking chest thumper we normally get. AND he sounds just like Seth Rogan but way cuter.

So, Brian gets finished with his work and is talking to Mary in front of my desk. He says “Hopefully you guys won’t have to see me again” and what do I say Amber? AND WHAT DO I SAY OUTLOUD? I said “You can come back any time you want!”

He looked at me and smiled as he walked down the stairs.

I’m sure the last thing he saw after I smiled was me visibly attempting to suck the words back in.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Erin, are you doing what I think you're doing?

Were you using some of these?




‘Cuz it sure sounded like you were using some of those.




And if you were, I will do this to you...

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Chipotle crumb IN MY EYE!

I bought some of the rice and adzuki bean chips with chipotle cheese from Costco and they are delicious. Well, I’m sitting on my couch eating some last night and I don’t know if I sighed into my hand or what but a rice and adzuki chip with chipotle cheese CRUMB flew INTO MY EYE.

The chips have chipotle in them. Chipotle burns the EVERYTHING.

I blinked a lot but didn’t rub because I had make up on which would’ve made it burn more and the crumb would shred my cornea in the process. I could have gone to the bathroom and rinsed the crumb out but that would have involved me leaving the couch and since I didn’t currently have to pee or anything I really didn’t see the point in taking it that far.

So, I sat there watching the television through one eye until the pain subsided. I kept eating the chips but avoided breathing into my hand.

Like I said, the chips are delicious and I would have told the emergency room that if needed.

Showing my kids "The God of Cake"

So, I read "The God of Cake" blog post from a blogger named Allie Brosh (www.hyperboleandahalf.com), to the kids. I try to really amp up the drama by slowly scrolling up the pictures to really enhance the progression of the little girl coming into the frame to steal the cake.

Do you know how hard that is? I can totally ruin the experience by doing the following:

“Okay here we go! No, wait. Don’t look! Evan seriously! Turn around you’re going to ruin it!”

Evan: “I’M going to ruin it????”

Me: “Shush, I’m trying to make this work. Okay here it is she’s peeking up over the…wait, what happened? The computer froze? Sonofabitch!”

Connor: "Stop clicking the mouse, Mom!" (Then to Evan) "She always does that. It'll never work."

(***Evan rolls her eyes***)

Me: "Connor I KNOW what I'm doing!"

Connor: "No you don't."

Me: "Yes I do."

Evan: "Then why isn't it working?"

Me: "UGH!"

Connor: “Mom, can I finish watching my show?”

Me: “No you can’t, you both are going to enjoy this! Because it’s friggin’ funny! Pause the damn show again Connor…stop hitting play or I’m going to hit live and change the channel and make you wait for a re-run.”

Connor: “It comes on On Demand.”

Me: “Then I’ll cancel cable.”

Evan: “No you won’t.”

Me: “Watch the computer.”

Evan: “It’s not working.”

Me: “It will, hang on.”

Connor: “I hate this.”

Me: “Okay, here we go!”

Finally we got through it and the kids thought it was funny.

I finished out my night with alcohol.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Last winter...

John walks up to me in the living room and says, “I have the car started in the driveway.” I say “Okay” and walk off. He comes into the bathroom while I am in the shower and says, “I have the car started in the driveway.” I say “Okay” and he leaves. I’m in the bedroom getting ready for work and he looks in the door and says, “I have the car started in the driveway”. At this point I say, “Well why don't you go out there and drive it?”

He asks me who is going to steer while he pushes and I look at him like he’s nuts. Then he says, “I have the car stuck in the driveway and I need to get it out.”

Now it makes sense. I told him that I couldn’t figure out why he kept following me around telling me that the car was started in the driveway when the whole time he was telling me it was stuck. I was thinking, well he does that every day. Does he want me to congratulate him? Why is starting the car this morning such a big deal?

We go out into the driveway and they push while I steer. It became clear to me that my husband from Buffalo, NY doesn’t realize that if the car sits there and spins its wheels it will slick the snow up and traction is gone. I go into the house and get some of my daughter’s old jeans to jam up under the front tire for traction. (In doing this I manage to get into snow up to my hip and have to be pulled out). They push, I hit the gas and the car comes out. I stop. John is yelling asking why I stopped but I’m not really sure. They push, I hit the gas, the car moves and John falls face down in the driveway. Oh yes, I laughed.

I said to John, “Those jeans under the tire were a good idea, huh?” He agreed. I told him that I come from a long line of “Hey, let’s stick that under there!”

We would stick anything under a tire to get a vehicle out of the mud and I mean anything. We’d get a car stuck and people would hide their children.